his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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