see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
