As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
