So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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