Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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