Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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