Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
