If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
