Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
