I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
