shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
True strength comes from lack of pants
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
