you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
