Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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