pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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