He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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