Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
