I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
