so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
someone get that fucking seahorse.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
