New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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