you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Found your dick twin last night
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
