Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
