I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
