the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
