Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
