last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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