WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
