I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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