there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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