i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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