So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
