i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
