she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so explain again why im purple
no
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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