So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
