I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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