The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
