dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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