omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
