Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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