dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
