omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
