If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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