im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
