she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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