True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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