god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This is my gift to your gina
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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