see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
