Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
