I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
