my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
