Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
