that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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