i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
